Posted by Matt | Posted in Comedy, The Week That Was | Posted on 16-06-2007
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Hello again, from the greatest show on silicon, The Week That Was. Every week, I wait until Friday and panic and write a few jokes I cull the news for stories that deserve to be skewed. And then I do it. Like I’m a kebab-man. Kebabman.
Let’s begin!
The San Antonio Spurs won the NBA Championship, making this team the fourth most-boring team to win a major sporting title. The top three? The other three times the San Antonio Spurs won the NBA Championship.
Kelly Clarkson was forced to cancel her upcoming summer tour due to low ticket sales. In a related story, Justin Guarini is still available for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
The Sopranos ended its long run on HBO this week with a rather abrup-
Lou Perelman, the man behind such groups as *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys, was arrested in Asia over charges of bank fraud. Perelman is charged with bilking millions of dollars out of the pockets of people with poor taste in music.
Gay marriage will continue to be legal in Massachusetts after a judge upheld the Wicked Fucken Queeah Act of 2004.
Nicki Hilton is upset with people saying that her sister is in jail for drunken driving. Said the heiress: “she is in jail serving karmic debt.”
AND FINALLY…
Texas authorities have arrested 7 sexual offenders by using data gathered from their MySpace pages. Police were tipped off when the suspects, under “Hobbies,” had all listed “Touching Children I Meet on the Internet.”
Have a great weekend.
-MAL
Posted by Matt | Posted in The Week That Was | Posted on 10-06-2007
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Welcome back once again to the longest running sporadic thing on this site, The Week That Was. Less often than usual lately, I cull the week’s news and decide what stories I am going to turn from boring to awesome. It’s a superpower I have. It’s a shame it’s unmarketable.
Let’s begin!
University of Florida basketball head coach Billy Donovan accepted an offer to coach the NBA’s Orlando Magic last Friday, only to change his mind on Monday. Many speculate that this decision was made after someone informed Donovan that the team was just people, and that magic was not real.
A report shows that more men than ever are wearing eye makeup. In future news, more men than ever are saying old photos of themselves look really gay.
The US Senate rejected amendments to a proposed immigration bill that made it harder to become a legal US citizen. The biggest contention was the amendment that requires any immigrant to spend 7 years as a servant for Republican congressmen.
Analysts reported that if Wal-Mart wanted to see better growth in their sales, they would need to take such measures as revamping their merchandise for a more trendy audience. In response, the store has introduced a new line of sequined sweatpants.
Sling Media announced a deal with the NHL this week that would allow people to watch and share clips of games instantly on the web. The NHL said they are very excited to be the lowest-rated sport in yet another medium.
Bob Barker bid farewell to television on Thursday, after 35 years of hosting ‘The Price Is Right.’ Barker said he plans to spend his retirement raping his army of spayed and neutered animals.
A survey revealed that India, once thought to be ignoring the AIDS pandemic, actually has millions less victims than originally believed, meaning Indian ambassador Magic Johnson needs to work harder.
Andrew Speaker, the tuberculosis patient that traveled through several countries while infected, insists that his doctors never restricted him from air travel. His doctors? These men:
AND FINALLY…
Paris Hilton entered prison on Sunday, but was out by Thursday, when she slipped between the bars and scurried away.
Have a great weekend.
-MAL
