*This is continuing a series of me looking back at how I got to be where I am, what I went through, and where I’m going. It’s terribly navel-gazing, so feel free to skip if it doesn’t interest you.*

By early 2004, I had completely immersed myself in the “adult experience,” as I like to call it. By that I mean “I realized that sometimes the things you want to do seem impossible to achieve, so let’s get drunk and be aimless.” I never had a HUGE problem with where I grew up. Suburban western Pennsylvania was pretty devoid of culture, and that forced my friends and I to go out and find it. We would go on journey’s around the tri-state area to find rare movies, see shows, and meet different people. It felt like a safe place to come back to during summers in college. We had a nice house, I had some money in my pocket, and all seemed well because I had friends around me.

The problem with coming back home after college, I quickly realized, is that I was one of very few people that did so. So many of my friends had moved on to different parts of the country, my mom had downgraded to an apartment (from other issues), and now here I was, still at the same job I had in college. The glaring boringness of my area was brought into pretty clear view, and I hated it. My fun came from my friends, not home, and now I didn’t know where I was.

Then I saw an ad in the paper for a theater group looking for people to do improv, and I jumped in.

*NOTE: I’m breaking this into parts, to make for less one-time reading, and to make it look like I’m really updating. This is also pretty self-indulgent, but I tend to reflect and reevaluate when I hit milestones like this. Anyway, let’s begin.*

Earlier this month, I passed the 6 year mark of chasing comedy as a career goal. Two weeks after graduating from college in 2003, after doing stand-up about 6 times in college, I went to the Pittsburgh Improv for an open mic night with the specific goal of that being the jump-off point, the very first step in what I knew would be a very, VERY long road. Herein, I’ll be looking back at what I’ve done, what I should have done, where I am, and what I still need to do.

All through my life, I knew I wanted to be an entertainer, but I didn’t really know how to do that or what it entailed. To be honest, I still barely know. I denied that a lot, because I grew up in an area where people didn’t do “entertainment industry” as a career choice. Beaver County wasn’t a place where dreams grew, it was a place where dreams rusted out, then you got someone pregnant and eventually taught yourself to hide your seething animosity for your own place in life. It wasn’t until I was hanging out with a girlfriend in college that I said I wanted to be a comedian, and she turned to me and said “yeah, I can totally see that.” That was all the validation I needed, because she’d trusted me enough to let me fuck her, so I knew she believed in me.

So, something new. Every Friday, I will post a new sketch on here. Whatever shape it is in. If it’s a first draft, polished, not finished, whatever. (IN THE FUTURE) They will be downloadable PDFs so you may view and read on your own time, if you so choose. You can say whatever you want about my writing, because I am not afraid and I will beat your ass.
***Special recognition to Yo La Tengo for making the most awesome name for a thing ever, which I have cribbed for use in this series. I just wish I liked your music, guys.***

Wing Poncho
Concept by: Danielle McNamara

I was explaining an idea I had to the lady for a commercial that was a just a guy sloppily eating hot wings, then freeze framing, with a text overlay that said “Hot wings. Pretty awesome, right? Brought to you by the American Association of Hot Wing Farmers.” She then came up with the idea of the wing poncho, and what it should look like. I laughed like a fool, and wrote it up. So here it is.

Due to my free scriptwriting software fucking out on me, and my PDF software doing the same, this first’un is going to be a copy and past job below. Sloppy, yes, but at this point I’d rather this be sloppy than nonexistent.

****************

WING PONCHO

NOTE:
The tone of this entire sketch should be that of an infomercial commercial, much like those horrible pasta strainer things, or the pocket voice reminder doohickey.

MED SHOT on a man with a plate of sloppy, messy hot wings in front of him.

VO
Has this ever happened to you? Sure, hot wings are the best, but what about the mess?

CUT TO:
CU of MAN trying to put wing in mouth, but completely missing, hitting his cheek, and smearing it up his face, past his eye.

VO
And if you have an itch, it’s a real bitch!

CUT TO:
CU of eye, and man goes to scratch an itch on his eye with chicken wing. It stings, obviously, and he drops the wing and HOWLS in pain.

CUT TO: MAN with bedsheet tied around neck like a bib.

VO
Bedsheets will do but you sleep on them too!

SPINNING CUT TO: MAN in bed, sheets covered in hot sauce, MAN looking at sticky fingers then exasperated face to camera.

CUT TO: MAN with hot wings on plate in front of him, with a gun to his own head, miserable, about to commit suicide.

VO
It makes you wonder how to even enjoy a hot wing.

A wing poncho magically appears on the table in front of MAN. He looks happily at it.

VO (cntd)
Now, there’s the Wing Poncho!

CUT TO: MED SHOT of MAN sitting in front of plate of hot wings, in something akin to a hazmat suit. There is only a thin opening for the mouth on the face, not even an eye slot. He is eating hot wings, with the sauce getting all over the suit.

VO
Unlike napkins, or manners, that only keep SOME of the sauce away from you, the wing poncho keeps you 100% dry…

SLIDE CUT TO: MAN standing up from table, tearing off wing poncho. He is wearing a tuxedo underneath. He turns as the camera pulls back, and a bride and pastor step in to frame, as they prepare to get married.
VO (cntd)
and ready for that wedding!

CUT TO: GFX of a wing with animated hashmark arrows pointing from the wing to the suit surface, and bouncing away.

VO
The secret is the suit’s space age polymers that keep the sauce out, and the flavor in!

Continue GFX onscreen, as the following message flashes onscreen:

WARNING: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONSEQUENCE OF DIVULGENCE OF WING PONCHO SECRET

CUT TO: CU MAN trying to put wing in his own eye.

VO
And the lack of eye opening ensures no more stinging eyes!

CUT TO: MAN and WOMAN at a table with a plate of hot wings. She looks sad, until he produces a wing poncho with a bow on it. She smiles happily.

VO
The Wing Poncho makes a great gift…

CUT TO: A dog in the wing poncho, struggling to get out as someone tries to hand it a hot wing. The VO is trying to continue until the dog finally gets out and runs away or eats the wing.

VO
And it’s…it’s…and it’s gr….it’s grea…and…And it’s great for pets too!

CUT TO: A Wing Poncho sitting folded on a table.

VO
The Wing Poncho retails for $39.95, but wait! If you order in the next 10 minutes, we’ll send you an ADDITIONAL…

An unnatural voice interjects, as if this was a late edit

VO #2
Five.

Regular VO returns

VO
Wing Ponchos for the incredible price of $19.95! Here’s how to order…

CUT TO: Information card

VO #3
To order your Wing Poncho, just have your credit card ready and call the number you see here. Offer not available in Buffalo.

LA Times article discussing late night freelancers is out. I’m in it a lil’ bit.

Dig it.