Once again back is the incredible…a sketch a week. This time, two!

Ash Wednesday / Safety First

One thing I’m learning from this endeavor is that I immediately have notes for myself as soon as I post these, which is good. That means I know where I’m making mistakes, and what can be improved upon. Eventually, that won’t be part of the post-posting process.

This time I’m doing two at once, since they’re both less than a page. These are actually ideas that I posted on my old LiveJournal years ago, and in the course of hitting a wall/being swamped with other work, things that I could revisit and translate. They’re pretty straightforward. Enjoy.

Ash Wednesday
Safety First

My continuing sketch series. An exercise to get me to write at least one sketch a week. Again, fell behind, so a couple all at once.

Celebrity Breakup News

People seem to care so much about what’s happening with celebrities, almost at the expense of their own lives. Snoop culture, and not the fun kind that involves smoking weed with a man whose last name is Doggy Dogg.

Celebrity Breakup News

I can’t recall whether or not I’d mentioned the show on here (EDIT: I hadn’t) but Nate Kushner and I have started a stand-up show in Williamsburg called The Ground Williams Show. First one was last night; it was a lot of fun. Here is a hastily-thrown together highlight reel of the show, about 5:30 in length. I’m hoping I also get better at editing these together (on iMovie UGH) as time rolls on. Enjoy.

Next show is Tuesday 6/30/09 at 8:30 PM. Legion Bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Visit www.groundwilliams.com for more info!

*NOTE: I’m breaking this into parts, to make for less one-time reading, and to make it look like I’m really updating. This is also pretty self-indulgent, but I tend to reflect and reevaluate when I hit milestones like this. Anyway, let’s begin.*

Earlier this month, I passed the 6 year mark of chasing comedy as a career goal. Two weeks after graduating from college in 2003, after doing stand-up about 6 times in college, I went to the Pittsburgh Improv for an open mic night with the specific goal of that being the jump-off point, the very first step in what I knew would be a very, VERY long road. Herein, I’ll be looking back at what I’ve done, what I should have done, where I am, and what I still need to do.

All through my life, I knew I wanted to be an entertainer, but I didn’t really know how to do that or what it entailed. To be honest, I still barely know. I denied that a lot, because I grew up in an area where people didn’t do “entertainment industry” as a career choice. Beaver County wasn’t a place where dreams grew, it was a place where dreams rusted out, then you got someone pregnant and eventually taught yourself to hide your seething animosity for your own place in life. It wasn’t until I was hanging out with a girlfriend in college that I said I wanted to be a comedian, and she turned to me and said “yeah, I can totally see that.” That was all the validation I needed, because she’d trusted me enough to let me fuck her, so I knew she believed in me.

Welcome back my friends, to the show that…uhm, starts, and stops, then starts again…but never ends! Yeah, there you go, we got there eventually. I was in Orlando last week. Did you know Disney characters look different in real life? And they don’t really talk. Typical actors; don’t have anything to say unless you put words in their mouths.

Let’s begin!

Paul Watson, a man from an anti-whaling group claimed that Japanese whalers shot him while trying to protest their practices in the Antarctic.



Watson says he will take the hint and go on a diet.

Oh my stars and garters, there’s a new one! I did not forget – last week this feature celebrated 1 year of falling out of my head and into the cold, emotionless hands of the Internet. Granted, most of that year has been dormant, but a year is a year.

Let’s begin!

For the first time, Congress was able to vote into law a new water projects bill that President Bush had vetoed last week. In retaliation, President Bush has declared war on Congress.

The crew of the space shuttle Discovery returned the Earth this week. Among the things they discovered while in space was that no one cares about space travel anymore.

Poor Indian women are renting out their wombs as surrogates for foreign couples who can’t have kids. There aren’t many takers, though, as the wombs are said to be filthy and crammed too close together.

The Writers Guild Association officially began its strike this week, meaning no new content is being produced in most mediums. In a related story, Hollywood police this week have reported a drastic decrease in robberies.

The criminal trial of OJ Simpson began this week. His defense claims that Simpson was just looking for the real killer’s memorabilia.

AND FINALLY…

Nike has made the first shoe designed specifically for American Indians. They’re practically a steal at only 60 guilders.

Have a great weekend.

-MAL

Good afternoon.

*shuffles papers on desk, clears throat*

So, as some of you may or may not know, in July I began freelancing for The Late Show with David Letterman. To date, I’ve gotten two jokes on: during the August 1, and August 29 episodes. You can catch those monologues here.

It was a pretty big rush to hear Dave say words that I wrote in my underwear that morning (I mean, I was in my underwear, not that I wrote the words on the inside of…anyway.). After being such a fan since I was a wee one, to be able to contribute to the show was an enormous thrill.

Because of that awesome turn of events, you may have noticed that I haven’t been posting The Week That Was as often. I let it fall to the wayside because I was worried about burning out on topical jokes. So here’s what I’ll do, on the weeks that Letterman goes on hiatus, I will do a WTW. It’s still good practice for me to do so, and the few people I’ve spoken to that read it seem to enjoy it. So that’s taken care of.

You may notice too that the site is in a bit of disarray. It was left mostly finished from long ago, then it started acting up and the person that created it had too much on her plate to be able to handle this. I’m hoping to talk to someone about getting this place a little less awful in the near-future. Does anyone know why WordPress would not allow me to approve comments? If you do, e-mail me. DON’T LEAVE A COMMENT, because…well, duh.

I have some pretty awesome stuff coming up in the fall that I hope to share with you soon. Thanks for listening.

*stands up, dusts cookie crumbs off pants, jumps through window, becomes bird, flies away*

-MAL

I know, I know, I haven’t posted in a while.  Shut up, I’m sorry.
To make it up to each other, why don’t we promise to see you at my show Thursday!

Matt Little’s Big Show

Featuring comedian Matt McCarthy and music by StoleyPT!

$5.00 at the door, which includes a free Blue Ribbon gift.  We’re taping it now, so the bigger an audience we have live, the better it sounds on tape.  Please put your voice on my tape, because it sounds so velvety smooth when you giggle.

Gotham City Improv

48 W. 21st St., 8th Floor

(F train to 23rd St., b/w 5th and 6th Avenue)

Give me a few days to post, I have a plan.  I’ll tell it to you in person on THURSDAY!

-MAL

Here it is again, The Week That Was. Every week(ish) I cull the stupidity that is the news and force-feed you punchlines associated to said story. THIS, my friends, is why I’m hot. Also, I’m hot because I reference 6-month-old-and-already-dated shit-hop songs.

Let’s begin!

Hello again, from the greatest show on silicon, The Week That Was. Every week, I wait until Friday and panic and write a few jokes I cull the news for stories that deserve to be skewed. And then I do it. Like I’m a kebab-man. Kebabman.

Let’s begin!