Welcome back my friends, to the show that…uhm, starts, and stops, then starts again…but never ends! Yeah, there you go, we got there eventually. I was in Orlando last week. Did you know Disney characters look different in real life? And they don’t really talk. Typical actors; don’t have anything to say unless you put words in their mouths.
Let’s begin!
Senator John McCain secured the Republican presidential nomination on Tuesday. His aides said he will be informed as soon as he wakes up from his nap.
Hilary Clinton pulled out big wins in Texas, Ohio, and Rhode Island, ensuring her campaign continues on. Clinton said it was the most exciting day in her life since
Experts were calling this past Tuesday’s primaries Super Tuesday 2, due to the expectations on the Clinton campaign. Producers have said they have signed French Stewart and Ted McGinley to replace Obama and Clinton in Super Tuesday 3: Rise of the Machines.
Paul Watson, a man from an anti-whaling group claimed that Japanese whalers shot him while trying to protest their practices in the Antarctic.
Watson says he will take the hint and go on a diet.
A bomb was set off in a Times Square military recruiting station Thursday, but no one was injured. Hey guys, you missed; The Little Mermaid is 4 blocks down.
An aide for Barak Obama came under fire for calling Hillary Clinton “a monster.” That aide? Bill Clinton.
AND FINALLY…
Rumors continued that Hulk Hogan had an affair with one of his daughter’s friends, or as she is calling it, “had Hulkamania run wild on her.”Have a great weekend.-MAL
Oh my stars and garters, there’s a new one! I did not forget – last week this feature celebrated 1 year of falling out of my head and into the cold, emotionless hands of the Internet. Granted, most of that year has been dormant, but a year is a year.
Let’s begin!
For the first time, Congress was able to vote into law a new water projects bill that President Bush had vetoed last week. In retaliation, President Bush has declared war on Congress.
The crew of the space shuttle Discovery returned the Earth this week. Among the things they discovered while in space was that no one cares about space travel anymore.
Poor Indian women are renting out their wombs as surrogates for foreign couples who can’t have kids. There aren’t many takers, though, as the wombs are said to be filthy and crammed too close together.
The Writers Guild Association officially began its strike this week, meaning no new content is being produced in most mediums. In a related story, Hollywood police this week have reported a drastic decrease in robberies.
The criminal trial of OJ Simpson began this week. His defense claims that Simpson was just looking for the real killer’s memorabilia.
AND FINALLY…
Nike has made the first shoe designed specifically for American Indians. They’re practically a steal at only 60 guilders.
Here it is again, The Week That Was. Every week(ish) I cull the stupidity that is the news and force-feed you punchlines associated to said story. THIS, my friends, is why I’m hot. Also, I’m hot because I reference 6-month-old-and-already-dated shit-hop songs.
Let’s begin!
Looking for a boost in early voting, Hilary Clinton brought her husband Bill out on campaign stops in Iowa this week, since there are still plenty of middle-aged housewives he can seduce for votes.
The iPhone was released on Friday, and many tech junkies were immediately reporting problems, as the touch screen didn’t respond when covered in their semen.
The FDA has warned that Veggie Booty, a pirate-themed snack food, may contain salmonella bacteria, and should be thrown away. In defense, Robert’s American Gourmet, the makers of the snack, said they were only trying to make their customers more pirate-like.
A Canadian woman has frozen her eggs for her 7-year-old daughter’s use in the future, as the daughter is likely to be sterile. Once again, science saves not only a young girl’s hope, but inbreeding as well.
Ford and GM are reporting sales declines in the United States, which analysts believe is partly because of their newest models: The Ford Car-Bomb Coupe and the GMC Al Quaeda half-ton pickup.
AND FINALLY…
Independence Day was celebrated in the United States this week. President Bush said that, even though they are on the same day, he would not let the holiday affect his 4th of July plans.
Hello again, from the greatest show on silicon, The Week That Was. Every week, I wait until Friday and panic and write a few jokes I cull the news for stories that deserve to be skewed. And then I do it. Like I’m a kebab-man. Kebabman.
Let’s begin!
The San Antonio Spurs won the NBA Championship, making this team the fourth most-boring team to win a major sporting title. The top three? The other three times the San Antonio Spurs won the NBA Championship.
Kelly Clarkson was forced to cancel her upcoming summer tour due to low ticket sales. In a related story, Justin Guarini is still available for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
The Sopranos ended its long run on HBO this week with a rather abrup-
Lou Perelman, the man behind such groups as *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys, was arrested in Asia over charges of bank fraud. Perelman is charged with bilking millions of dollars out of the pockets of people with poor taste in music.
Gay marriage will continue to be legal in Massachusetts after a judge upheld the Wicked Fucken Queeah Act of 2004.
Nicki Hilton is upset with people saying that her sister is in jail for drunken driving. Said the heiress: “she is in jail serving karmic debt.”
AND FINALLY…
Texas authorities have arrested 7 sexual offenders by using data gathered from their MySpace pages. Police were tipped off when the suspects, under “Hobbies,” had all listed “Touching Children I Meet on the Internet.”
Welcome back once again to the longest running sporadic thing on this site, The Week That Was. Less often than usual lately, I cull the week’s news and decide what stories I am going to turn from boring to awesome. It’s a superpower I have. It’s a shame it’s unmarketable.
Let’s begin!
University of Florida basketball head coach Billy Donovan accepted an offer to coach the NBA’s Orlando Magic last Friday, only to change his mind on Monday. Many speculate that this decision was made after someone informed Donovan that the team was just people, and that magic was not real.
A report shows that more men than ever are wearing eye makeup. In future news, more men than ever are saying old photos of themselves look really gay.
The US Senate rejected amendments to a proposed immigration bill that made it harder to become a legal US citizen. The biggest contention was the amendment that requires any immigrant to spend 7 years as a servant for Republican congressmen.
Analysts reported that if Wal-Mart wanted to see better growth in their sales, they would need to take such measures as revamping their merchandise for a more trendy audience. In response, the store has introduced a new line of sequined sweatpants.
Sling Media announced a deal with the NHL this week that would allow people to watch and share clips of games instantly on the web. The NHL said they are very excited to be the lowest-rated sport in yet another medium.
Bob Barker bid farewell to television on Thursday, after 35 years of hosting ‘The Price Is Right.’ Barker said he plans to spend his retirement raping his army of spayed and neutered animals.
A survey revealed that India, once thought to be ignoring the AIDS pandemic, actually has millions less victims than originally believed, meaning Indian ambassador Magic Johnson needs to work harder.
Andrew Speaker, the tuberculosis patient that traveled through several countries while infected, insists that his doctors never restricted him from air travel. His doctors? These men:
AND FINALLY…
Paris Hilton entered prison on Sunday, but was out by Thursday, when she slipped between the bars and scurried away.
Welcome again, to the most awesome thing to ever exist: The Week That Was! If you don’t enjoy reading this, I will come to your house and trick you into losing money on bogus stocks that line my pockets with your cash. That’ll learn ya.
Let’s begin!
Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, passed away this week. Ouiji reports claim that Falwell plans on cleaning up heaven and make it a much more moral place.
Madonna released a charity single on Tuesday. All proceeds will go towards victims of the film “Swept Away.” (edited. Thank you, Mr. Bent.)
China announced Friday it is widening the yuan’s daily trading band against the US dollar, four days before US and Chinese senior officials meet in Washington to discuss ways to reduce trade imbalances. It is believed that trying to understand this will cause my eyes to cross.
XM suspended shock jocks Opie and Anthony this week, for comments made by a guest of their show that described sexually assaulting Condoleeza Rice. XM officials defended the suspension, saying, “sex has no place in discussions about assaulting Condoleeza Rice.”
Leader of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, stepped down from his position on Friday, amid reports he gave a hefty compensation package to his girlfriend. Wolfowitz apologized, saying that he had momentarily thought he was a United States Congressman.
AND FINALLY…
A study reavealed that tomatoes DO NOT prevent prostate cancer. I should probably take them out of my ass, then.
Welcome to the Internet’s most popular game show and wine tasting, The Week That Was! Each week, I scour the news for stuff to make fun of. It either hits or it doesn’t. When it does, hey thanks. When it doesn’t, hey suck it.
Let’s begin!
The White House says President Bush plans to veto a bill that would extend hate crime protection to gays. When asked why, representatives responded: “Gays have rights; they have the right to get their queer asses kicked! Oh snap, WHAT?”
Florida announced that they will move up their primary date to January 29, so that the government will have more time to react to their screw-ups.
The Golden State Warriors eliminated the best team in the NBA in the first round Thursday night. This just in: The Golden State Warriors are actually in the playoffs.
Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license while on probation. These circumstances have allowed me to coin a new nickname for the heiress: America’s Deadbeat Uncle.
Secret Service has provided security detail for Barak Obama, making it the earliest in a campaign that the service has been provided. The service attibutes the early security to Obama being – you guessed it – a CYLON.
Several Washington politicians are scrambling for explanations after a former madam released a tell-all book describing their sex secrets. The number one request from most Republicans according to the book? “FUCK ME LIKE I’M IRAQ!”
AND FINALLY…
David Hasselhoff has begun filming himself while drunk, so he can see what he is like when he is sober. Video has leaked out, and critics agree: his drunkenness is overbearing and cheesy.
Hello, yes, this is hopelessly late, but I hadn’t posted one in weeks, so I’ll still do it now. PROMISE a new one will be up on time this weekend.
Let’s begin!
Hundreds of people lined up outside a Moscow church Tuesday to mourn the death of former Soviet leader Boris Yeltsin. Though, to be fair, many were confused that it was a bread line.
Mexico City is expected to vote on legalizing first-trimester abortions. To push the initiative through, supporters have begun the advertising campaign “What gets conceived in Mexico City, can stay in Mexico City.â€
Two DJs were suspended this week for an on-air prank that involved calling a Chinese restaurant and asking for “shrimp flied lice.†When questioned about it CBS radio said they suspended the DJs because the bit was “learry fucking rame.â€
Joe Francis, creator of Girls Gone Wild, will go to jail for 30 days after pleading guilty to contempt of court. The inmates of the Florida prison say they have plans for him: a video series called Inmates Gone Wild in Joe Francis.
April 30 through May 4 will be Spider-Man week in New York City. To kick off the festivities, Mayor Bloomberg is expected to shoot a web out of his ass.
President George Bush stated that, if the House and Senate pass the Iraqi military withdrawal bill as expected, he will have no choice but to invade Congress.
AND FINALLY…
Rosie O’Donnell announced this week that she will be leaving The View, leaving The Jerry Springer Show as the only outlet for angry lesbians on television.
Welcome once again to the reason that the Internet was invented, The Week That Was! Just to let you know, comments are currently messed up. For some reason, they won’t delete or approve! Boo! Don’t think I’m ignoring your love for me though. Like a teenage girl on YouTube, it validates my existence.
Let’s begin!
This week, the US Senate announced a timetable and budget for withdrawing US forces from Iraq. When presented with the plan, President Bush said “NO, STOP, YOU GUYS! SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE RUINING THIS FOR ME!â€
Mothers who eat a lot of beef while pregnant run the risk of their sons having a low sperm count. It’s a sad irony, as one of the side effects of mothers eating beef treated with bovine growth hormone is their sons having a HUGE COCK.
White House Spokesman Tony Snow told the press that the cancer he fought off in 2003 has returned. Despite this setback, John Edwards announced that he will still run for office in 2008.
Many teens today are breaking up with each other through their MySpace comments, a study shows. The process has created a new nickname for today’s teens: The Gayest Generation.
An investigation by the US Army into the death of former Arizona Cardinal-turned-soldier Pat Tillman reported that high-ranking officials made critical errors in reporting the death, and delievered an apology to Tillman’s family. After the apology was announced, his mother said “Great. Does this mean I get my son back now?â€
The US post office unveiled stamps commemorating the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, finally giving stamp nerds and Star Wars nerds something to talk about at the lunch table.
Microsoft released a software fix for their mp3 player, the Zune. The update, when loaded, fixes the player by turning it into an iPod.
The Internet was abuzz with video of Karl Rove dancing onstage at the White House’s Radio & Television Correspondents Dinner, as seen here:
The video astonished viewers, as it was the closest a black man has ever been to Karl Rove without trying to kill him.
Afterwards, Rove was confused about the black man’s presence, and was overheard asking “When did they start letting the hired help on stage?”
AND FINALLY…
The autopsy results for the body of Anna Nicole Smith were revealed on Monday, thus ending the longest amount of time that people have ever cared about Anna Nicole Smith.
That’s right kids, the most important update to ever exist in the Internet’s history is back!
Let’s begin!
On the fourth anniversary of the Iraq war, President Bush stressed that hard times still lay ahead. “But hey, remember back then when most of you thought I was still a righteous dude? Happy anniversary.â€
A US embassy convoy was attacked by a carbomb in Afghanistan this week. You know, if they keep this up, we’re gonna start to think they don’t want us there.
A report released by the CDC this week said that Americans are eating fewer fruits and vegetables than ever before. You can read it for yourself in “Shit We Already Knew Monthly.â€
Emma Watson said that she may not return for the final two Harry Potter films, shocking and saddening both fans and their perverted dads.
News Corp. and Universal announced that they will create a new video-sharing site to challenge YouTube, meaning that we will know have a new place to see blurry video of teenagers peeing on each other.
In a joint statement, John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth announced that the cancer she was treated for in 2004 has returned. John then announced that this turn of events would not deter him from losing the Presidential primaries in 2008.
AND FINALLY…
Naomi Campbell began her court-ordered community service this week: throwing cell phones at the homeless.
