I Am Not Afraid And I Will Beat Your Ass #2

Posted on by Matt

Continuing a new feature, where every week I post a new sketch. Whatever form it is in, it goes up. Even though this one is a week late. Enjoy.

Price Is Right Showcase Showdown

This should have gone up last week, but I had a bit of a moral dilemma. Normally, I don’t have a problem attacking any issue, but the critical incident in this sketch hit a little close to home (a family member has lost a baby in the past few years). I decided to run it, mostly because it makes me uncomfortable, and I like facing things that make me that way. Basically, I was watching PiR one day, seeing people celebrate their Showcases, and tried to think of the worst thing that could happen to someone in that situation. Upon re-reading the sketch, I’m not 100% happy with how it turned out. I’m also wondering if I went after the wrong target here. Regardless, these things (and more) you can decide for yourself, if the price is right.

Price Is Right Showcase Showdown

Sixaversary, Pt. 2

Posted on by Matt

*This is continuing a series of me looking back at how I got to be where I am, what I went through, and where I’m going. It’s terribly navel-gazing, so feel free to skip if it doesn’t interest you.*

By early 2004, I had completely immersed myself in the “adult experience,” as I like to call it. By that I mean “I realized that sometimes the things you want to do seem impossible to achieve, so let’s get drunk and be aimless.” I never had a HUGE problem with where I grew up. Suburban western Pennsylvania was pretty devoid of culture, and that forced my friends and I to go out and find it. We would go on journey’s around the tri-state area to find rare movies, see shows, and meet different people. It felt like a safe place to come back to during summers in college. We had a nice house, I had some money in my pocket, and all seemed well because I had friends around me.

The problem with coming back home after college, I quickly realized, is that I was one of very few people that did so. So many of my friends had moved on to different parts of the country, my mom had downgraded to an apartment (from other issues), and now here I was, still at the same job I had in college. The glaring boringness of my area was brought into pretty clear view, and I hated it. My fun came from my friends, not home, and now I didn’t know where I was.

Then I saw an ad in the paper for a theater group looking for people to do improv, and I jumped in.

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Sixaversary

Posted on by Matt

*NOTE: I’m breaking this into parts, to make for less one-time reading, and to make it look like I’m really updating. This is also pretty self-indulgent, but I tend to reflect and reevaluate when I hit milestones like this. Anyway, let’s begin.*

Earlier this month, I passed the 6 year mark of chasing comedy as a career goal. Two weeks after graduating from college in 2003, after doing stand-up about 6 times in college, I went to the Pittsburgh Improv for an open mic night with the specific goal of that being the jump-off point, the very first step in what I knew would be a very, VERY long road. Herein, I’ll be looking back at what I’ve done, what I should have done, where I am, and what I still need to do.

All through my life, I knew I wanted to be an entertainer, but I didn’t really know how to do that or what it entailed. To be honest, I still barely know. I denied that a lot, because I grew up in an area where people didn’t do “entertainment industry” as a career choice. Beaver County wasn’t a place where dreams grew, it was a place where dreams rusted out, then you got someone pregnant and eventually taught yourself to hide your seething animosity for your own place in life. It wasn’t until I was hanging out with a girlfriend in college that I said I wanted to be a comedian, and she turned to me and said “yeah, I can totally see that.” That was all the validation I needed, because she’d trusted me enough to let me fuck her, so I knew she believed in me.

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I Am Not Afraid And I Will Beat Your Ass #1

Posted on by Matt

So, something new. Every Friday, I will post a new sketch on here. Whatever shape it is in. If it’s a first draft, polished, not finished, whatever. (IN THE FUTURE) They will be downloadable PDFs so you may view and read on your own time, if you so choose. You can say whatever you want about my writing, because I am not afraid and I will beat your ass.
***Special recognition to Yo La Tengo for making the most awesome name for a thing ever, which I have cribbed for use in this series. I just wish I liked your music, guys.***

Wing Poncho
Concept by: Danielle McNamara

I was explaining an idea I had to the lady for a commercial that was a just a guy sloppily eating hot wings, then freeze framing, with a text overlay that said “Hot wings. Pretty awesome, right? Brought to you by the American Association of Hot Wing Farmers.” She then came up with the idea of the wing poncho, and what it should look like. I laughed like a fool, and wrote it up. So here it is.

Due to my free scriptwriting software fucking out on me, and my PDF software doing the same, this first’un is going to be a copy and past job below. Sloppy, yes, but at this point I’d rather this be sloppy than nonexistent.

****************

WING PONCHO

NOTE:
The tone of this entire sketch should be that of an infomercial commercial, much like those horrible pasta strainer things, or the pocket voice reminder doohickey.

MED SHOT on a man with a plate of sloppy, messy hot wings in front of him.

VO
Has this ever happened to you? Sure, hot wings are the best, but what about the mess?

CUT TO:
CU of MAN trying to put wing in mouth, but completely missing, hitting his cheek, and smearing it up his face, past his eye.

VO
And if you have an itch, it’s a real bitch!

CUT TO:
CU of eye, and man goes to scratch an itch on his eye with chicken wing. It stings, obviously, and he drops the wing and HOWLS in pain.

CUT TO: MAN with bedsheet tied around neck like a bib.

VO
Bedsheets will do but you sleep on them too!

SPINNING CUT TO: MAN in bed, sheets covered in hot sauce, MAN looking at sticky fingers then exasperated face to camera.

CUT TO: MAN with hot wings on plate in front of him, with a gun to his own head, miserable, about to commit suicide.

VO
It makes you wonder how to even enjoy a hot wing.

A wing poncho magically appears on the table in front of MAN. He looks happily at it.

VO (cntd)
Now, there’s the Wing Poncho!

CUT TO: MED SHOT of MAN sitting in front of plate of hot wings, in something akin to a hazmat suit. There is only a thin opening for the mouth on the face, not even an eye slot. He is eating hot wings, with the sauce getting all over the suit.

VO
Unlike napkins, or manners, that only keep SOME of the sauce away from you, the wing poncho keeps you 100% dry…

SLIDE CUT TO: MAN standing up from table, tearing off wing poncho. He is wearing a tuxedo underneath. He turns as the camera pulls back, and a bride and pastor step in to frame, as they prepare to get married.
VO (cntd)
and ready for that wedding!

CUT TO: GFX of a wing with animated hashmark arrows pointing from the wing to the suit surface, and bouncing away.

VO
The secret is the suit’s space age polymers that keep the sauce out, and the flavor in!

Continue GFX onscreen, as the following message flashes onscreen:

WARNING: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR CONSEQUENCE OF DIVULGENCE OF WING PONCHO SECRET

CUT TO: CU MAN trying to put wing in his own eye.

VO
And the lack of eye opening ensures no more stinging eyes!

CUT TO: MAN and WOMAN at a table with a plate of hot wings. She looks sad, until he produces a wing poncho with a bow on it. She smiles happily.

VO
The Wing Poncho makes a great gift…

CUT TO: A dog in the wing poncho, struggling to get out as someone tries to hand it a hot wing. The VO is trying to continue until the dog finally gets out and runs away or eats the wing.

VO
And it’s…it’s…and it’s gr….it’s grea…and…And it’s great for pets too!

CUT TO: A Wing Poncho sitting folded on a table.

VO
The Wing Poncho retails for $39.95, but wait! If you order in the next 10 minutes, we’ll send you an ADDITIONAL…

An unnatural voice interjects, as if this was a late edit

VO #2
Five.

Regular VO returns

VO
Wing Ponchos for the incredible price of $19.95! Here’s how to order…

CUT TO: Information card

VO #3
To order your Wing Poncho, just have your credit card ready and call the number you see here. Offer not available in Buffalo.

You Know What I Miss?

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Eek! The Cat.

I loved this show.

Here is what’s probably my favorite episode, Eekstremely Dull. This introduced the boring squirrel family in the tree next door. If I ever meet people named Susan, the monotonous squirrel family roll call is what instantly rolls through my brain.

“Allie. Acorn. Steven Jr. Gunter. And my wife, Soooooosan.”

“Eek, I was wondering if you would like to join me and my family for a pretzel.”

This holds up.

Getting It Together

Posted on by Matt

“It’s been a long time since I touched this place.”

-My dad, to his weiner

For the past year or so, I’ve been using my Tumblr blog to facilitate my day-to-day blog postings and such.  The original idea behind this was to eventually replace THIS site with a Tumblr, and dress up the front page of the site.  OR, change the front page to be the blog.  I had been complaining about this place being a mess for awhile, and none of that complaining changed anything!  C’mon, power of pissy words!  Why aren’t you able to make CSS?

Anyhow, I’ve been getting way back in to stand-up lately, after barely performing over the past year and a half to two years.  I’d realized how little stand-up I’d been doing when I started popping in to shows this past fall, and people acted like I was a ghost risen from the grave.

It’s not like I’ve been doing nothing.  I was spending most of my time doing improv with Thank You, Robot and writing for The Late Show with David Letterman and, as of this past fall, Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update segment.  So I’ve been exercising different parts of my comedy brain, but something definitely felt like it was missing without doing shows, and since hitting it hard again, I feel like I’m getting that back.  First few sets were rusty, as is wont to happen when you let something go lax for that long.  However, I really feel like I’m pushing forward again and making interesting discoveries in my writing and in jokes as they’re being performed.

I felt frustrated with myself for not keeping up with the pace I was going at when I first moved to New York (almost 4 years ago now…JESUS!), which was only compounded by seeing people I’d performed with a couple years ago now simply light years ahead of the game at this point; complete nightmares of laughter.  It’s beautiful to watch, but at the same time, a little part of me kicks another little part of me everytime I see that, knowing that I could be just as developed.  I used the excuse of not hitting open mics because I didn’t have the money to jump on (which was true for almost all of 2007), but not once did I try to start my own show.  I let feeling bad about myself stop me from going to other people’s shows.  And a litany of other excuses.

Here’s a link to a set I did in December of 2007, which is the most recent video I have.  Gonna try to get a new one soon.  SWEAR.

If you’d like to see me perform, I’ll be doing the ever-hilarious Fraser Young’s show, Moe and Fraser’s Foreign Legion, tomorrow night at Legion bar in Williamsburg:

Link

Map


Lessee, what else…oh.  I am going to be in an article in the LA Times soon.  They interviewed me and even came to the apartment for a photo shoot.  I’m hoping they use my favorite shot, which also involved my young rabbit pal, Henry Madison.  I will let you know when it runs.

I will be working now as a blogger for Ology.com; specifically, their Games, Gadgets, and (soon, and eventually only) their Geek departments.  You know what this means: I CAN FINALLY WRITE OFF VIDEO GAMES, COMIC BOOKS, GADGETS, AND MOVIES ON MY TAXES!  WHOO HOO!  That’s how you know you made it, kids.

Okay, this has been a huge info dump, but I just wanted to get this active again.  We’ll be back to awesome stuff soon enough.

The Week That Was, 03/07/08

Posted on by Matt

Welcome back my friends, to the show that…uhm, starts, and stops, then starts again…but never ends! Yeah, there you go, we got there eventually. I was in Orlando last week. Did you know Disney characters look different in real life? And they don’t really talk. Typical actors; don’t have anything to say unless you put words in their mouths.

Let’s begin!

  • Senator John McCain secured the Republican presidential nomination on Tuesday. His aides said he will be informed as soon as he wakes up from his nap.
  • Hilary Clinton pulled out big wins in Texas, Ohio, and Rhode Island, ensuring her campaign continues on. Clinton said it was the most exciting day in her life since
  • Experts were calling this past Tuesday’s primaries Super Tuesday 2, due to the expectations on the Clinton campaign. Producers have said they have signed French Stewart and Ted McGinley to replace Obama and Clinton in Super Tuesday 3: Rise of the Machines.
  • Paul Watson, a man from an anti-whaling group claimed that Japanese whalers shot him while trying to protest their practices in the Antarctic.



    Watson says he will take the hint and go on a diet.
  • A bomb was set off in a Times Square military recruiting station Thursday, but no one was injured. Hey guys, you missed; The Little Mermaid is 4 blocks down.
  • An aide for Barak Obama came under fire for calling Hillary Clinton “a monster.” That aide? Bill Clinton.

    AND FINALLY…

  • Rumors continued that Hulk Hogan had an affair with one of his daughter’s friends, or as she is calling it, “had Hulkamania run wild on her.”Have a great weekend.-MAL

    • Burger Time

    Posted on by Matt

    Since I am no longer going to be working in midtown as of next week (SPOILER ALERT!) I’ve been trying to pick up food in the area that I’ll probably never be around to get again.

    Across the street from where I work is a fancy-pants hotel called Le Parker Meridien. The kind of place where I feel like I should be paying a tax just to cut through their lobby. However, hidden behind a large, thick brown curtain in the cavernous lobby, is a cheeseburger stand. I mean that too: wood paneling, greasy tables, a tiny, tiny griller and deep fryer, 4 things on the menu. The only indicator of this place’s existence is a tiny light-up sign that is a picture of a warm burger that is set back a hallway that serves as the entrance and the smell of greasy Indian sacrilege that permeates the lobby during their business hours. I like to think of it as the hotel’s younger brother – their dying mother asked the hotel to always take care of the hamburger stand, and the snooty older hotel keeps it in business behind a secret curtain in the lobby.
    However, like anything that’s secret in New York, it is no secret. Often the lines for a burger extend down the hall to the reception desk, lasting over a half hour. As an hourly wage slave, I’m not afforded such waiting luxury. Today, I lucked out and walked right in.

    Although it looks like a bastard offshoot of Mel’s Diner, the prices are typically midtown. Hamburger stand: corner grill taste for hotel prices! I dropped $10.00 on a burger and fries. While it was a tasty burger, it wasn’t $10.00 tasty.  It let you know how good it would be by soaking through the thick wrapping paper in which it was encased, and the fries came in a plain brown lunch sack.  I am glad I went once, but I doubt I’d go back ever, unless it was to show my friends in person that this place exists.

    Also, like any secret thing in New York City, I saw two people I tangentially knew from the comedy scene here in the city.  Small big world.

    -MAL

    “Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a God…”

    Posted on by Matt

    So they’re making a Ghostbusters video game.

    I think this is a great idea. There is no way, at this point, that a Ghostbusters film could ever live up to what people would want it to be. Too much time has passed since the last film, and the actors are too old at this point to revisit the characters.

    I hope this game is incredible, because I feel like it could open a lot up a lot of possibilities for film sequels. Convince some quality screenwriters, and original talent, to take a smaller cut up-front, in exchange for points off back end sales, and you could re-invigorate any franchise (Police Academy, I’m looking at you). I’m fairly positive that the video game industry now takes in more than Hollywood, so why not do it? It would also lend a new legitimacy to gaming, and that can’t hurt either.

    Now let’s all beat off to this screen cap from the game.

    I am Stay-Puft for this. Real Puft.

    -MAL