The Week That Was, 11/9/07

Posted on by Matt

Oh my stars and garters, there’s a new one! I did not forget – last week this feature celebrated 1 year of falling out of my head and into the cold, emotionless hands of the Internet. Granted, most of that year has been dormant, but a year is a year.

Let’s begin!

For the first time, Congress was able to vote into law a new water projects bill that President Bush had vetoed last week. In retaliation, President Bush has declared war on Congress.

The crew of the space shuttle Discovery returned the Earth this week. Among the things they discovered while in space was that no one cares about space travel anymore.

Poor Indian women are renting out their wombs as surrogates for foreign couples who can’t have kids. There aren’t many takers, though, as the wombs are said to be filthy and crammed too close together.

The Writers Guild Association officially began its strike this week, meaning no new content is being produced in most mediums. In a related story, Hollywood police this week have reported a drastic decrease in robberies.

The criminal trial of OJ Simpson began this week. His defense claims that Simpson was just looking for the real killer’s memorabilia.

AND FINALLY…

Nike has made the first shoe designed specifically for American Indians. They’re practically a steal at only 60 guilders.

Have a great weekend.

-MAL

Hit Deborah Cliff with your head to make a hole

Posted on by Matt

I like the Wii Virtual Console a lot. I’ve actually found myself playing more games that I’ve downloaded than the ones that I’ve purchased for the system (which is, for the record, only two: Super Paper Mario and Madden NFL 2008 [I also have Wii Sports and Wii Play but those are more demonstrations of the system and, while fun, not really full-fledged games). Part of it may be that they are primarily one-player games: I’ve never been a great cooperative gamer. I like the idea of sitting down by myself and solving a puzzle or other mystery. I like to think that I have a decent sense of deductive reasoning, and am always frustrated when I have to consult strategy guides to figure out how to get past something.

For to make great Engrish

Anyhow, Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest came out for the Virtual Console last week, and I’m happy to say that my frustrations with the game were actually NOT MY FAULT. For a long time I was really angry at the game for what amounted to asinine clues about how to get to certain places in the game. I found out that most of this was due to poor Engrish translation that made NO sense. For example, the title of this post is a quote from a villager in the game that is supposed to let you know that you have to kneel at an un-scalable cliff face with an item and let a tornado take you away. I spent DAYS jumping into the wall. DAYS. I have lost dozens of hours of my life because East is East and West is West and never the twains shall meet. Someone eventually told me what to do, which deflated me because I had no clue how they could have known how to do that from the clue.

The game more than made up for the frustration when I found out it had more than one ending. Much like I hope my life has.

WHEW! So glad I finally have an outlet for all the Simon’s Quest frustration I’ve had pent up inside me.

In other news, for the love of God, someone please help me make this goddamn blog look nice. It’s still a mess.

-MAL

Theoretical New York Post Headlines

Posted on by Matt

(If New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin suddenly contracted a debilitating illness)

TOM COUGH-LIMP

(If New York Yankee Derek Jeter was found guilty* of gambling on games)
DEREK CHEATER

(If there were a plague and the only one with answers was the supercomputer from 2001)
EVERYONE GO TO HAL

(If director Michael Bay was caught sleeping with an underage boy)
BAY GATE

(If former Mayor Ed Koch was shot by Britney Spears)
BRITNEY’S KOCH SHOT

(If something happened relevant to the world that didn’t revolve around New York City)
NEVER HAPPEN

*false statement; the Post would never wait to see if he’s guilty to accuse him
-MAL

Lucini Pourin’ From The Sky, Let’s Get Rich What.

Posted on by Matt

One of my favorite albums of the 1990s was a hip-hop creation that I learned of from MTV, back after MTV quit playing videos, but before they quit giving bands exposure. I picked the album up after hearing Camp Lo talk about their love of 70s blaxploitation films and old pop culture in general. Then I heard them mention “Sonny Chiba” and knew I had to get their album (I had just seen The Street Fighter for the first time and was very impressionable).

Uptown Saturday Night sounds like what everyone wanted hip-hop to sound like for the past few years. Well, the people that give a shit about hip-hop. Not the jackoffs buying MIMS’ new album. It’s a jazz-y, soul-sampling album with Ghostface-style incoherent slang dropping, all pulling together to make a charming little package.
I’d highly recommend it. I just found out today that they have a new album that just came out in July. I’d chastise people for not letting me know it’s out, but I don’t know anyone else that bought this album. Here’s your chance to make up for listening to Hanson in 1997. GO!

-MAL

From the home office of…

Posted on by Matt

Good afternoon.

*shuffles papers on desk, clears throat*

So, as some of you may or may not know, in July I began freelancing for The Late Show with David Letterman. To date, I’ve gotten two jokes on: during the August 1, and August 29 episodes. You can catch those monologues here.

It was a pretty big rush to hear Dave say words that I wrote in my underwear that morning (I mean, I was in my underwear, not that I wrote the words on the inside of…anyway.). After being such a fan since I was a wee one, to be able to contribute to the show was an enormous thrill.

Because of that awesome turn of events, you may have noticed that I haven’t been posting The Week That Was as often. I let it fall to the wayside because I was worried about burning out on topical jokes. So here’s what I’ll do, on the weeks that Letterman goes on hiatus, I will do a WTW. It’s still good practice for me to do so, and the few people I’ve spoken to that read it seem to enjoy it. So that’s taken care of.

You may notice too that the site is in a bit of disarray. It was left mostly finished from long ago, then it started acting up and the person that created it had too much on her plate to be able to handle this. I’m hoping to talk to someone about getting this place a little less awful in the near-future. Does anyone know why WordPress would not allow me to approve comments? If you do, e-mail me. DON’T LEAVE A COMMENT, because…well, duh.

I have some pretty awesome stuff coming up in the fall that I hope to share with you soon. Thanks for listening.

*stands up, dusts cookie crumbs off pants, jumps through window, becomes bird, flies away*

-MAL

Next Big Show August 23rd!

Posted on by Matt

I know, I know, I haven’t posted in a while.  Shut up, I’m sorry.
To make it up to each other, why don’t we promise to see you at my show Thursday!

Matt Little’s Big Show

Thursday, August 23rd

8:30 PM

Featuring comedian Matt McCarthy and music by StoleyPT!

$5.00 at the door, which includes a free Blue Ribbon gift.  We’re taping it now, so the bigger an audience we have live, the better it sounds on tape.  Please put your voice on my tape, because it sounds so velvety smooth when you giggle.

Gotham City Improv

48 W. 21st St., 8th Floor

(F train to 23rd St., b/w 5th and 6th Avenue)

Give me a few days to post, I have a plan.  I’ll tell it to you in person on THURSDAY!

-MAL

The Week That Was, 7/06/07

Posted on by Matt

Here it is again, The Week That Was. Every week(ish) I cull the stupidity that is the news and force-feed you punchlines associated to said story. THIS, my friends, is why I’m hot. Also, I’m hot because I reference 6-month-old-and-already-dated shit-hop songs.

Let’s begin!

  • Looking for a boost in early voting, Hilary Clinton brought her husband Bill out on campaign stops in Iowa this week, since there are still plenty of middle-aged housewives he can seduce for votes.
  • The iPhone was released on Friday, and many tech junkies were immediately reporting problems, as the touch screen didn’t respond when covered in their semen.
  • The FDA has warned that Veggie Booty, a pirate-themed snack food, may contain salmonella bacteria, and should be thrown away. In defense, Robert’s American Gourmet, the makers of the snack, said they were only trying to make their customers more pirate-like.
  • A Canadian woman has frozen her eggs for her 7-year-old daughter’s use in the future, as the daughter is likely to be sterile. Once again, science saves not only a young girl’s hope, but inbreeding as well.
  • Ford and GM are reporting sales declines in the United States, which analysts believe is partly because of their newest models: The Ford Car-Bomb Coupe and the GMC Al Quaeda half-ton pickup.

    AND FINALLY…

  • Independence Day was celebrated in the United States this week. President Bush said that, even though they are on the same day, he would not let the holiday affect his 4th of July plans.

    Have a great weekend.

    -MAL

    • The Week That Was, 6/15/07

    Posted on by Matt

    Hello again, from the greatest show on silicon, The Week That Was. Every week, I wait until Friday and panic and write a few jokes I cull the news for stories that deserve to be skewed. And then I do it. Like I’m a kebab-man. Kebabman.

    Let’s begin!

  • The San Antonio Spurs won the NBA Championship, making this team the fourth most-boring team to win a major sporting title. The top three? The other three times the San Antonio Spurs won the NBA Championship.
  • Kelly Clarkson was forced to cancel her upcoming summer tour due to low ticket sales. In a related story, Justin Guarini is still available for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
  • The Sopranos ended its long run on HBO this week with a rather abrup-
  • Lou Perelman, the man behind such groups as *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys, was arrested in Asia over charges of bank fraud. Perelman is charged with bilking millions of dollars out of the pockets of people with poor taste in music.
  • Gay marriage will continue to be legal in Massachusetts after a judge upheld the Wicked Fucken Queeah Act of 2004.
  • Nicki Hilton is upset with people saying that her sister is in jail for drunken driving. Said the heiress: “she is in jail serving karmic debt.”

    AND FINALLY…

  • Texas authorities have arrested 7 sexual offenders by using data gathered from their MySpace pages. Police were tipped off when the suspects, under “Hobbies,” had all listed “Touching Children I Meet on the Internet.”

    Have a great weekend.

    -MAL

    • The Week That Was, 6/8/07

    Posted on by Matt

    Welcome back once again to the longest running sporadic thing on this site, The Week That Was. Less often than usual lately, I cull the week’s news and decide what stories I am going to turn from boring to awesome. It’s a superpower I have. It’s a shame it’s unmarketable.

    Let’s begin!

  • University of Florida basketball head coach Billy Donovan accepted an offer to coach the NBA’s Orlando Magic last Friday, only to change his mind on Monday. Many speculate that this decision was made after someone informed Donovan that the team was just people, and that magic was not real.
  • A report shows that more men than ever are wearing eye makeup. In future news, more men than ever are saying old photos of themselves look really gay.
  • The US Senate rejected amendments to a proposed immigration bill that made it harder to become a legal US citizen. The biggest contention was the amendment that requires any immigrant to spend 7 years as a servant for Republican congressmen.
  • Analysts reported that if Wal-Mart wanted to see better growth in their sales, they would need to take such measures as revamping their merchandise for a more trendy audience. In response, the store has introduced a new line of sequined sweatpants.
  • Sling Media announced a deal with the NHL this week that would allow people to watch and share clips of games instantly on the web. The NHL said they are very excited to be the lowest-rated sport in yet another medium.
  • Bob Barker bid farewell to television on Thursday, after 35 years of hosting ‘The Price Is Right.’ Barker said he plans to spend his retirement raping his army of spayed and neutered animals.
  • A survey revealed that India, once thought to be ignoring the AIDS pandemic, actually has millions less victims than originally believed, meaning Indian ambassador Magic Johnson needs to work harder.
  • Andrew Speaker, the tuberculosis patient that traveled through several countries while infected, insists that his doctors never restricted him from air travel. His doctors? These men:

    AND FINALLY…

  • Paris Hilton entered prison on Sunday, but was out by Thursday, when she slipped between the bars and scurried away.

    Have a great weekend.

    -MAL

    • New Commercial: Fancy Lad Candy Bar

    Posted on by Matt

    This commercial (which will be showing at my show this Thursday at 8:30, Gotham City Improv, 48 W. 21st St., 8th Floor) is based off an idea my friends and I came up with a couple years ago. I actually finished the thing off-camera, and within a half an hour, had some of the worst sugar shock of my life.

    Also, come to my show this Thursday! I’ll be a sad panda if you don’t. It will also mean I’ve developed insomnia for nothing.

    -MAL