The Week That Was, 5/18/07

Posted on by Matt

Welcome again, to the most awesome thing to ever exist: The Week That Was! If you don’t enjoy reading this, I will come to your house and trick you into losing money on bogus stocks that line my pockets with your cash. That’ll learn ya.

Let’s begin!

  • Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, passed away this week. Ouiji reports claim that Falwell plans on cleaning up heaven and make it a much more moral place.
  • Madonna released a charity single on Tuesday. All proceeds will go towards victims of the film “Swept Away.” (edited.  Thank you, Mr. Bent.)
  • China announced Friday it is widening the yuan’s daily trading band against the US dollar, four days before US and Chinese senior officials meet in Washington to discuss ways to reduce trade imbalances. It is believed that trying to understand this will cause my eyes to cross.
  • XM suspended shock jocks Opie and Anthony this week, for comments made by a guest of their show that described sexually assaulting Condoleeza Rice. XM officials defended the suspension, saying, “sex has no place in discussions about assaulting Condoleeza Rice.”
  • Leader of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, stepped down from his position on Friday, amid reports he gave a hefty compensation package to his girlfriend. Wolfowitz apologized, saying that he had momentarily thought he was a United States Congressman.

    AND FINALLY…

  • A study reavealed that tomatoes DO NOT prevent prostate cancer. I should probably take them out of my ass, then.

    Have a great weekend!

    -MAL

    • DO YOURSELF A FAVOR…

    Posted on by Matt

    …and turn on CMT this Friday for a show called Bandits Vs. Smokies.

    Waitwaitwait…let me set it up for you.

    It’s a show where they take police chase videos and do redneck America’s Funniest Home Videos-style voiceovers on the clips. And it’s hosted by “Deputy” John Reeb.

    I did NOT add the quotation marks myself.

    Don’t be surprised if you hear an odd noise while watching the show. It will be the sound of your skull cracking open and your brain exploding out of it.

    Clean it up and thank me later.

    -MAL

    The Week That Was, 5/04/07

    Posted on by Matt

    Welcome to the Internet’s most popular game show and wine tasting, The Week That Was! Each week, I scour the news for stuff to make fun of. It either hits or it doesn’t. When it does, hey thanks. When it doesn’t, hey suck it.

    Let’s begin!

  • The White House says President Bush plans to veto a bill that would extend hate crime protection to gays. When asked why, representatives responded: “Gays have rights; they have the right to get their queer asses kicked! Oh snap, WHAT?”
  • Florida announced that they will move up their primary date to January 29, so that the government will have more time to react to their screw-ups.
  • The Golden State Warriors eliminated the best team in the NBA in the first round Thursday night. This just in: The Golden State Warriors are actually in the playoffs.
  • Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license while on probation. These circumstances have allowed me to coin a new nickname for the heiress: America’s Deadbeat Uncle.
  • Secret Service has provided security detail for Barak Obama, making it the earliest in a campaign that the service has been provided. The service attibutes the early security to Obama being – you guessed it – a CYLON.
  • Several Washington politicians are scrambling for explanations after a former madam released a tell-all book describing their sex secrets. The number one request from most Republicans according to the book? “FUCK ME LIKE I’M IRAQ!”

    AND FINALLY…

  • David Hasselhoff has begun filming himself while drunk, so he can see what he is like when he is sober. Video has leaked out, and critics agree: his drunkenness is overbearing and cheesy.

    Have a great weekend.

    -MAL

    • The Week That Was, 4/27/07

    Posted on by Matt

    Hello, yes, this is hopelessly late, but I hadn’t posted one in weeks, so I’ll still do it now. PROMISE a new one will be up on time this weekend.

    Let’s begin!

  • Hundreds of people lined up outside a Moscow church Tuesday to mourn the death of former Soviet leader Boris Yeltsin. Though, to be fair, many were confused that it was a bread line.
  • Mexico City is expected to vote on legalizing first-trimester abortions. To push the initiative through, supporters have begun the advertising campaign “What gets conceived in Mexico City, can stay in Mexico City.”
  • Two DJs were suspended this week for an on-air prank that involved calling a Chinese restaurant and asking for “shrimp flied lice.” When questioned about it CBS radio said they suspended the DJs because the bit was “learry fucking rame.”
  • Joe Francis, creator of Girls Gone Wild, will go to jail for 30 days after pleading guilty to contempt of court. The inmates of the Florida prison say they have plans for him: a video series called Inmates Gone Wild in Joe Francis.
  • April 30 through May 4 will be Spider-Man week in New York City. To kick off the festivities, Mayor Bloomberg is expected to shoot a web out of his ass.
  • President George Bush stated that, if the House and Senate pass the Iraqi military withdrawal bill as expected, he will have no choice but to invade Congress.

    AND FINALLY…

  • Rosie O’Donnell announced this week that she will be leaving The View, leaving The Jerry Springer Show as the only outlet for angry lesbians on television.

    Have a great weekend week whatever.

    -MAL

    • Ducks in a Row

    Posted on by Matt

    I want to be organized. Really, I do.

    But I’m not.

    It’s very frustrating to recognize this character flaw of my own and be unable to break the loop. I try. Try my butt off to keep things in order, easily found and ready to access. However, I can never seem to pull it together.

    Case in point:

    I lost my comedy notebook recently. I don’t know if it’s misplaced, or I left it somewhere, or what. The problem with this: I hadn’t written down a lot of ideas I’d been kicking around on stage in the past couple months, and when I finally said “Okay, let’s do this,” surprise! My source of organization has gone missing. Most days, my pockets are filled with tiny scraps of paper that have half-finished thoughts. Thoughts that I write down, saying “I need to put this in my notebook. This time I’m going to do it.”

    And then I don’t.

    I’ve been working on other projects lately (improv, sketch, getting my TALK SHOW off the ground [more info about that soon]) and have been lax in writing new stand-up material, and need to explore some ideas on paper. Now if only I had those ideas somewhere…

    I have a day planner. The ladyfriend was gracious enough to give me one as a gift. It has two months of information in it, and then nothing. Why? I keep INTENDING to write shit down, and then don’t. It’s like there is a wall that falls down between all of my synapses and disables my ability to actually allow myself to be organized. Lifehacker seems like a great site for this stuff, but again. No long-term implementation. Does this happen to anyone else? It’s really frustrating.

    I’m not even going to get into what my desktop looks like, virtual and actual.

    I want to push to accomplish my goals, but how can I when I wind up being my own worst enemy most of the time?

    Someone please help me not be an embarassment to retarded people.

    -MAL

    The Week That Was, 3/30/07

    Posted on by Matt

    Welcome once again to the reason that the Internet was invented, The Week That Was! Just to let you know, comments are currently messed up. For some reason, they won’t delete or approve! Boo! Don’t think I’m ignoring your love for me though. Like a teenage girl on YouTube, it validates my existence.

    Let’s begin!

  • This week, the US Senate announced a timetable and budget for withdrawing US forces from Iraq. When presented with the plan, President Bush said “NO, STOP, YOU GUYS! SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE RUINING THIS FOR ME!”
  • Mothers who eat a lot of beef while pregnant run the risk of their sons having a low sperm count. It’s a sad irony, as one of the side effects of mothers eating beef treated with bovine growth hormone is their sons having a HUGE COCK.
  • White House Spokesman Tony Snow told the press that the cancer he fought off in 2003 has returned. Despite this setback, John Edwards announced that he will still run for office in 2008.
  • Many teens today are breaking up with each other through their MySpace comments, a study shows. The process has created a new nickname for today’s teens: The Gayest Generation.
  • An investigation by the US Army into the death of former Arizona Cardinal-turned-soldier Pat Tillman reported that high-ranking officials made critical errors in reporting the death, and delievered an apology to Tillman’s family. After the apology was announced, his mother said “Great. Does this mean I get my son back now?”
  • The US post office unveiled stamps commemorating the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, finally giving stamp nerds and Star Wars nerds something to talk about at the lunch table.
  • Microsoft released a software fix for their mp3 player, the Zune. The update, when loaded, fixes the player by turning it into an iPod.
  • The Internet was abuzz with video of Karl Rove dancing onstage at the White House’s Radio & Television Correspondents Dinner, as seen here:

    The video astonished viewers, as it was the closest a black man has ever been to Karl Rove without trying to kill him.

    Afterwards, Rove was confused about the black man’s presence, and was overheard asking “When did they start letting the hired help on stage?”

    AND FINALLY…

  • The autopsy results for the body of Anna Nicole Smith were revealed on Monday, thus ending the longest amount of time that people have ever cared about Anna Nicole Smith.

    Have a great weekend.

    -MAL

    • Holy Crap…

    Posted on by Matt

    Am I the only asshole that is TOTALLY excited to see that American Gladiators is going to be airing again on ESPN Classic???

    How about after I give you this fun fact: The theme music was written by Bill Conti, who also wrote the music for ROCKY and THE KARATE KID.
    What do you say now?  Huh?

    Fine.  Screw you jerks.

    -MAL

    The Week That Was, 3/23/07

    Posted on by Matt

    That’s right kids, the most important update to ever exist in the Internet’s history is back!

    Let’s begin!

  • On the fourth anniversary of the Iraq war, President Bush stressed that hard times still lay ahead. “But hey, remember back then when most of you thought I was still a righteous dude? Happy anniversary.”
  • A US embassy convoy was attacked by a carbomb in Afghanistan this week. You know, if they keep this up, we’re gonna start to think they don’t want us there.
  • A report released by the CDC this week said that Americans are eating fewer fruits and vegetables than ever before. You can read it for yourself in “Shit We Already Knew Monthly.”
  • Emma Watson said that she may not return for the final two Harry Potter films, shocking and saddening both fans and their perverted dads.
  • News Corp. and Universal announced that they will create a new video-sharing site to challenge YouTube, meaning that we will know have a new place to see blurry video of teenagers peeing on each other.
  • In a joint statement, John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth announced that the cancer she was treated for in 2004 has returned. John then announced that this turn of events would not deter him from losing the Presidential primaries in 2008.

    AND FINALLY…

  • Naomi Campbell began her court-ordered community service this week: throwing cell phones at the homeless.

    Have a great weekend week.

    -MAL